Character, compassion, courage, clarity, and commitment.

October 2nd, 2015

“Why do they make things so complicated?”

“So that those who have the responsibility for understanding can understand. Imagine if everyone went around transforming lead into gold. Gold would lose its value. It’s only those who are persistent, and willing to study things deeply, who achieve the Master Work. That’s why I’m here in the middle of the dessert. I’m seeking a true alchemist who will help me decipher the codes.”

An excerpt from the book, The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

 

“Were you sold?” The impact these words had on me, contiguous to the disregard for my feelings, caused me to go silent. My mind swarmed with questions: From which angle did I appear as an object? Would this older woman ask an African American: “Were you sold?” Does having an African American as the President of the United States mean nothing? Where is the “culture” in her attitude?

I was forced to ask: How have we become increasingly incapable of processing others’ suffering and true stories? Why are victims terrified to share their stories? Why do we penalize those who deserve our compassion and support? Why do we expect a victim to expand his capacity for tolerance while taking no onus for our harmful actions? Why are we increasing the separation between the privileged and those who are less fortunate?

As I thought about the layers of apathy, I recollected the oft-repeated words of the educated: I attended, I competed, I presented, I traveled, I met, I toasted. Unfortunately, self-reflective thoughts never took form: What are my moral principles? Why I am incapable of feeling and gently being? What is the purpose of my life? I wondered how one could emit compassion and acceptance when the mind operates from low vibrations of shame and inadequacy? How can we hand over the empathy baton to the younger generation when we do not possess one?

I was at times saddened at the plight of millions of children, at times outraged at the growing apathy of educated society, and at times so tired from crying I did not know which feeling to feel and drifted between memories of childhood, of my boundless compassion for animals and people. With each passing year, and with each betrayal and act of injustice, my compassion has only multiplied. This realization forced me to acknowledge my capacity for humanity and helped me arrive at the decision to serve humanity in a more complex way. I have decided to SELL MYSELF.

For this partnership to be successful, I intend to sell my value to someone who holds not only financial resources but is a great soul. My partner in this endeavor must share my 5 C’s: character, courage, compassion, commitment, and clarity. They must put humanity at the forefront of their lives.

Survivors are pushed to the fringes of life thanks to the unimaginable manipulation of perpetrators. The shame, pain, and suffering are compounded by the cruelty of ignorant people in society. The thought of being rejected makes victims fearful and ashamed to talk to anyone, even therapists. I intend to envelope 1,000 victims of hate-based crimes with my compassion. By listening to their stories in a non-judgmental manner, I intend to infuse them with human dignity. I want them to feel human and take ownership of their lives. They must know that they belong to the world as much as those who live privileged lives. With this strength, it is my desire that they arrive at the decision to talk about the many ways they are stripped down of human dignity by a society lacking a conscience. No child or adult should carry the burden of another’s crime, shame, or image. Nor should one be denied the right to feel wanted.

My value and capacity will not be limited to this initial thousand. It is my desire to share my undiluted story with 100 of the world’s finest specialists (hate crime policing agents to psychiatrists and doctors) to gain a holistic understanding of HATE of a child. Emotional and psychological trauma conditions the child’s brain to find comfort in destroying and surviving by creating sadistic impulses, even attempting to kill an isolated victim. Perpetrators of hate hide their true selves, and their motives behind carefully crafted masks of piety and politeness. It is hard to recognize sadistic perpetrators, as they are often highly intelligent. The bombast and social adeptness of perpetrators make it challenging to identify them unless YOU have been “singled out” as their victim.

If I am found untruthful in even a single word, I am ready to face any consequence up to and including spending the rest of my life in prison.

The scale of the brutality of my life not only warrants I tell my story, it demands it. It has been gut wrenching to arrive at this decision. I asked if the magnitude of the inconceivable psychological crime, trauma, and abuse I have endured necessitates that I share my story, or if I should be silent to protect the identities of perpetrators and certain members of society who have done me grave harm. The answer shone clear once I realized the implications of my sharing. My truth will protect the lives of millions who otherwise will be psychologically brutalized. They do not have to survive trauma or fade away, never figuring out how evil destroyed them. My story will also send a message to society that their reprehensible actions make them equally inhumane.

Society celebrates those who rampantly consume, who undertake impractical adventures, or who monetize their passions. A life of truth and courage, however, are profoundly unbelievable. In the last 14 years, society has shown me that lies and cowardice are the fabric of man’s life. The attitude of particular members of society toward me made me assume that they disliked me. I was wrong. They disliked the qualities for which I stand. Qualities they do not identify with, qualities they do not think themselves as deserving. In the same breath, I realized that society did not underestimate me. Rather, it estimated me by the poor and corrupt standards inherent to society. Meanwhile, I estimated society by my high and principled standards. I have paid a steep price for deeply caring, wholeheartedly giving, blindly trusting, and always speaking the truth. I was burnt down to ashes. I persevered.

My audacity does not come from the periphery; it comes from my nucleus.

My human power accrued with each act of injustice. It comes from years of insight into the cruelty of people lacking integrity. It comes from refusing to cave under continuous pressure. It comes from taking my vulnerability and turning it into power and purpose. It comes from keeping the company of great minds who taught me that fear, cowardice, and harm to another being are the prerogative of the weak and powerless. My audacity comes from knowing the worth of my life.

The characterless are integral to my growth. Today, as I take this pledge, I would like to give thanks to a male in the acting profession. When I was a young adult, he told me stories of his oppressive environment—his dingy home, his jobless, alcoholic and abusive father, his schizophrenic mother, an older sadistic brother with psychiatric problems, and a brother who left home unable to bear all of the ugliness. His sharing made me empathize with him. When he opined that he felt inferior for not having an education, I encouraged him. When he expressed the film industry treated him like an outcast, I extended him my support and kindness. I included him in my life and gave him access to my beautiful home. For my unconditional caring, he repaid me with the cruelest actions and slander to character assassinate.  And true to his character, he used the media (one he bribed to further himself) to spread slander. On hindsight, his actions did not surprise me as he had a strategy to make it in life. To put it in his words, “Ache ache koh gadha banana padtha hai [The best of the best has to be made a donkey, a fool.].”

It’s easy to act like an on screen hero; it takes integrity, courage, and a great deal more to be a man.

Young or old, a person must remember that an ugly mind that manifests destruction is creating a legacy for the next generation to inherit. One has a choice to acknowledge their cruelty and transform it into a fitting example for others to follow; one can also choose to be true to one’s meager capacity.

It has taken me 14 years in exile, three continents, countless hours of research, the best specialist who painstakingly provided critical information, and revisiting each chapter of my life to connect the dots that explain my experience at the hands of evil in human bodies and the society that enabled my demolition. Such self-reflection is far more challenging than it sounds. To weigh in the sum of existence requires a great intentionality and expert guidance of the soul.

Even the strongest souls need nourishment. Mine is greatly restored by Paulo Coelho’s thoughts in The Alchemist. I found myself in his narrative, reassured that indeed “it is only those who have the responsibility for understanding can understand.”

Protecting the dignity of children and serving humanity.

Heera

“Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men.”—Johann Wolfgang von Goethe